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The Players:
MR. PRALINE -
Customer
John Cleese
SHOP OWNER
Michael Palin
The Scene: A pet
shop.
The customer, Mr
Praline, enters the
shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello,
I wish to register a
complaint.
(The owner does
not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello,
Miss?
Owner: What do
you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: I'm
sorry, I have a cold. I
wish to make a
complaint!
Owner: We're
closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline:
Never mind that, my lad.
I wish to complain about
this parrot what I
purchased not half an
hour
ago from this very
boutique.
Owner: Oh yes,
the, uh, the Norwegian
Blue...What's,uh...What's
wrong with it?
Mr. Praline:
I'll tell you what's
wrong with it, my lad.
'E's dead, that's what's
wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's
uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline:
Look, matey, I know a
dead parrot when I see
one, and I'm looking at
one right now.
Owner: No no
he's not dead, he's,
he's restin'! Remarkable
bird, the Norwegian
Blue, idn'it, ay?
Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline: The
plumage don't enter into
it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono,
no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All
right then, if he's
restin', I'll wake him
up! (shouting at the
cage) 'Ello, Mister
Polly Parrot! I've got
a
lovely fresh cuttle fish
for you if you. Show...
(owner hits the
cage)
Owner: There, he
moved!
Mr. Praline: No,
he didn't, that was you
hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline:
Yes, you did!
Owner: I never,
never did anything...
Mr. Praline:
(yelling and hitting the
cage repeatedly) 'ELLO
POLLY!!!!! Testing!
Testing! Testing!
Testing! This is
your
nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot
out of the cage and
thumps its head on the
counter. Throws it up in
the air and watches it
plummet
to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now
that's what I call a
dead parrot.
Owner: No,
no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline:
STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You
stunned him, just as he
was wakin' up! Norwegian
Blues stun easily,
major.
Mr. Praline:
Um...now look...now
look, mate, I've
definitely 'ad enough of
this. That parrot is
definitely deceased,
and
when I purchased it not
'alf an hour ago, you assured me
that its total lack of
movement was due to it bein' tired
and shagged
out following a
prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well,
he's...he's,
ah...probably pining for
the fjords.
Mr. Praline:
PININ' for the
FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind
of talk is that?, look,
why did he fall flat on
his back the moment
I
got 'im home?
Owner: The
Norwegian Blue prefers
keepin' on it's back!
Remarkable bird, id'nit,
squire? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline:
Look, I took the liberty
of examining that parrot
when I got it home, and
I discovered the only
reason
that it had been
sitting on its perch in
the first place was
that it had been NAILED
there.
(pause)
Owner: Well,
o'course it was nailed
there! If I hadn't
nailed that bird down,
it would have nuzzled up
to those bars,
bent 'em
apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!?
Mate, this bird wouldn't
"voom" if you put four
million volts through
it! 'E's bleedin'
demised!
Owner: No no!
'E's pining!
Mr. Praline:
'E's not pinin'! 'E's
passed on! This parrot
is no more! He has
ceased to be! 'E's
expired and gone to
meet
'is maker! 'E's a stiff!
Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If
you hadn't nailed 'im to
the perch 'e'd be
pushing up the
daisies!
'Is metabolic processes
are now 'istory! 'E's
off the twig! 'E's
kicked the bucket, 'e's
shuffled off 'is mortal
coil,
run down the
curtain and joined the bleedin' choir
invisibile!! THIS IS AN
EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd
better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek
behind the counter)
Sorry squire, I've had a
look
'round the back of
the shop, and uh, we're right out of
parrots.
Mr. Praline: I
see. I see, I get the
picture.
Owner: I got a
slug.
(pause)
Mr. Praline:
Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot
really.
Mr. Praline:
WELL IT'S HARDLY A
BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS
IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I
guess not. (gets
ashamed, looks at his
feet)
Mr. Praline:
Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly)
D'you.... d'you want to
come back to my place?
Mr. Praline:
(looks around) Yeah, all
right, sure. |
